The 12 Pranks of Christmas: Naruto Style
by Spring of Inked Dreams
Summary: There's an certain idiot that runs around the Konoha, pranking people on Christmas and giving them the best presents. Coal-stuffed toilets for Iruka, naked girls for Sasuke, and a walking turd for Kiba! Yes, carols in the Konoha certainly go differently..
1. Prologue

The 12 Pranks of Christmas: Naruto Style

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I still don't get why I should say that, I mean, durr...if I did own Naruto, then I wouldn't be writing this.**

**A/N: Anyway, sorry, this chapter's short. There's a next one. My first shot at humor, cuz I'm just such a humorous person (hahaha. funny. I am so sarcastic). Please comment. I love commenters. **

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Prologue

Carols go differently here in the Konoha. Maybe it's because they're shinobi. Maybe it's because they're just imaginary people and don't even exist (which is true, admit it).

Nah.

It's just Naruto.

And so, here's how your typical twelve days of Christmas go in the Konoha. And after you listen to the twelve victims, you better feel damn lucky Naruto doesn't exist.


	2. Kiba's Carol

Chapter 1: Kiba's Carol

_"On the first day of Christmas,_

_an idiot pissed me off,_

_by mutating my dog into Rudolph."_

--

Yes. That's how it went that day. Don't get me wrong, I love Christmas and all. I get cool presents, I get to pig out, I get to give- no wait, take that back, I just like the gifts and presents.

But the one thing I don't like, is HAVING MY DOG FRIGGIN' MUTATED BY SOME SORT OF PSYCOPATH!

Yeah. So Christmas sucked that day cuz' my dog got turned into a reindeer. You're probably like: No biggie. Well, it's a YES BIGGIE (that's not a term, but to hell with that. If you want to piss me off, go ahead. It's your life. If you'd like it shortened, fine.)

I woke up that day. Uh, I sorta forgot how. Oh yea, I remember, I got a stupid phone call from that emo Shino (haha, that rhymes. And no, I will not do that retarded poet know-it thing). Anyway, Emo Shino came and said in this dark voice: "Look outside."

At first I thought it was no big deal. Cuz' we all know that Emo Shino always talks as if it's the end of the world and he's James Bond. (The name's Emo, Emo Shino. Kinda rings) Well, hell, I figured that if the goddamned bird that screamed everyday out my window had died or somethin', it would be a good thing. (Emo Shino's a tree hugger, or should I say: tweety-hugger, whatever. Don't tell him I said that.) So like always, I ignored Emo Shino.

Who knew that Shino was actually right about the: "the whole fuckin' world's gonna end" thing? The only reason I looked out the window was cuz' Akamaru didn't leap on me. Cuz' that's what the dog does, pounces on me like a freakin' lion and licks my face. God, no wonder why I don't have the chicks all over me. Kissin' me would be like kissin' a dog.

Yep. That's me. I make out with dogs every morning. So you girls out there, unless you enjoy the taste of dog spit, I suggest you stay away for your own sanity.

Anyway, back to the topic. Akamaru wasn't there. So I freaked, cuz' you all just know how much I love my dog (hell, I kiss him everyday. I could have a girlfriend right now, but nooooo, I choose Akamaru. Well, at least I don't hafta handle mood swings with Akamaru. Cuz' he's a HE and doesn't have periods. Ha) So I opened the door and-

Badabing Badaboom. Whatdaya know? I found him.

Actually, he wasn't alone. There was a certain retard riding on him down the street.

Well, at first, I thought he was some kinda screwed up moose with a stuffy nose. Why? What would you think if you looked out side and saw:

a.) A giant brown thing running around

b.) A giant red nose (That's why I use Kleenex)

c.) bells dangling everywhere (even his butt. Actually, I forgot to tell you, I thought those bells were singing crap)

Ah yes, and let's not forget the crazy psycopath on the thing's back whoopin' like he was some sorta cowboy in a Santa hat. Sorta unfitting, considering that there was snow, and not desert.

And yes. That goddamned, crazy, psycopathic, insane, retarded, (insert all the insulting names for "mental" here) cowboy was Naruto.

And yes. I hate him.

Cuz' that screwed up moose with a stuffy nose? Yeah, that was Akamaru.

I could tell you what that stupid loser did to him. Wanna know? TOO BAD. I don't care if you want to know or not. I'm telling you anyway cuz' I'm friggin', uh, let's put this nicely: NOT HAPPY.

How A Crazy Psycopath Managed To Turn My Dog Into A Screwed Up Moose With a Stuffy Nose:

1.) Shaved him, bare naked. Can you imagine being stripped by a crazy kid like him? It's like being RAPED.

2.) Dumped brown paint on him. Yep. Cuz' having my dog look like a giant piece of shit just looks _soooo _much fun, doesn't it? (That was sarcasm)

3.) Gorilla glued a clown's nose on his nose. Great, Naruto. Great job. So not only does he suffocate my dog, he does it in a way to make him look stupid. DO YOU KNOW HOW DAMN STRONG GORILLA GLUE IS??!! HENCE: GORILLA!!! Which is what I wish I was so I can rip the kid apart for having my dog stuck with a giant ball on his nose. I mean, com'on. How am I supposed to look scary now each time I go into battle? Oh yea, I can just see it now: Kiba walks into combat with his dog. Kiba: "Give it up (insert evil person's name here)!" (insert evil person's name here): Dies of laughter.

4.) Glued bells all over him. Damn Naruto. So he doesn't have a damn rein of bells and now he GLUES them on? Now my dog jingles every time he walks! How am I gonna be stealthy now?!?!?

So yes. DAMN YOU NARUTO. THANKS TO YOU, AKAMARU IS A WALKING, JINGLING, BARKING PIECE OF CRAP WITH A RED UNI-BOOB AS A NOSE. AND NO, FOR THE MILLIONTH TIME, HE DOES **NOT **FUCKIN' LOOK LIKE RUDOLPH.

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**A/N: I'm not really sure if I should continue (or simply put, I'm not sure if I'm funny). So, please comment if you'd like for me to continue. Happy Holidays!**


	3. Tsunade's Carol

Chapter 2: Tsunade's Carol

_"On the second day of Christmas,_

_an idiot pissed me off,_

_by turning my bras into Santa Claus."_

Oh yea, I've got Christmas spirit alright. Hell, I've got Christmas in my boobs. Literally. You know, technically, those two elders (although I call them geezers cause that's what they are: all saggy with their warty skins, like frogs....like Jaraiya....shudder. But anyway being related to Jaraiya is NOT GOOD) people made me swear (ch...who are they kidding? I don't keep damn promises and they should know that) that I would be a nice Hokage and be merciful.

Oh I can hear you now. Your laughing. You're like: HAHAHA. THAT'S FUNNY CUZ TSUANDE'S GOT NO F'IN (!#$? $%$? I don't know. I'm only censoring the damn word for your innocence, although reading this would probably ruin in anyway. I don't get you people and your little %$%in' symbols, so screw that) PATIENCE!

Well, you're right. I'm fuming right now. Wanna hear the results?

List of What Happens When You Make Tsunade Very Unhappy (Actually, that's an understatement. But to hell with it. it's still the same cuz' I AM not happy anyway. But then, I could be sad, stupid, sick, constapated...):

1.) Shizune's head has a high risk of turning into a potato. Yes. I've got a strong arm. And yes, I will knock the shit (oops. !#$#, !#$, whatever. I give up. Swears are good for you. Hmm...wonder what the elders will say about that. Oh well, they made me SWEAR to keep a promise.) outta people when I am in my "I am very, very, very pissed" mood. Anybody. Don't get me wrong, I love Shizune (no, not as a girlfriend. She's my best punching ba- I mean, friend. And I seriously don't get you people and your porn. I mean, STAY OUTTA MY DAMN PRIVITE LIFE. Seriously, you guys shouldn't be making stories outta who I screw and who I don't. And by the way, the only thing I would want to screw is sake, money, and gambling. And unfortunately, they don't reproduce. But who wants little brats anyway? You look fat enough to seem like you've eaten a million twinkies for year, then you push for hours like you've got a gaint crap stuck in your ass, only to be repaid by blubbering idiots with heads the size of yoga balls that walk like living bobble-heads and cry non-stop.). That was a long parathesis. Back to the topic: Shizune always happens to be the nearest person by me when I'm "not happy", so she's the first person to feel "my wrath". Sometimes I feel bad, no I take that back. Most of the times I don't. It's the girl's own damn fault for standing next to me anyway. God, she's always just...THERE. I look up from my papers and BOOM! She's right in front of me. And if not, she's to my right...or behind me. IT'S STALKERISH. And yes, I said potato because I've always found potatos such retarded vegetables (fruit? food? I dunno. It looks too ugly to eat). They're little hard brown things that share a lot in common with crap (hard, brown) and yet, people EAT them. THEY LOOK SO FUCKIN' (!#$IN' Whatever) DEFORMED.

2.) I play a "game" with Jaraiya. a.k.a I punch him...alot. It's quite fun and addicting (almost as good as gambling, except now, you can do it ANYWHERE). You tie him up, make sure he can't move, stand him up at the top of a very tall building, and then punch him as hard as you can. Then, you find where he lands and mark it, so you can try to beat your own record. I'm at 12 miles and 1230 feet. Don't tell the geezers, they don't know yet.

3.) Tonton plays in my puke. Yeah, great big fun. You see, let me teach you all a lesson: when people get very angry, they want to go to their happy place. And you can never get to this "happy place" by a plane (no, definately not. Planes are those stupid metal things with wings that make you barf when you get off. Which is NOT a happy thing). The only way you can get there is this thing called "sake". Cuz sake has alchohol, and alchohol makes people very, very happy. And yes, I'm pretty sure your parents have all taught you that alchohol is bad. Well, don't listen to them, cuz they're all lying. They like it, and they just don't want you stealing all their good stuff. Keeping you away from it just saves more for them. And plus, they just don't like to after feeling of it, like me. That's called "hangover". And no, once you have those, you're outta your happy place. Hangovers make you barf your guts out. I guess it could be possible to still be in your happy place while you barf, that's only if you like looking at your breakfast, lunch, and dinner jiggling in little chunks and muck before you. Tonton does. Well, he likes mine. He sits in it and rolls around like it's mud. Only stinkier.

4.) My paper work turns into a bonfire. Actually, I do that other times too when I'm not pissed. Only, I pretend that I am and then I get an excuse (don't tell the geezers that either, they don't know that yet too). But they're not important anyway. Just all this crap my villagers like to tell me. Like this one lady told me she lost her cat. LIKE I CARE. She can go find her own goddamn cat. It probably ran away for a REASON. And then, this other time, another man told me to arrest his wife for divorcing him. WHATEVER. I told him to leave me the FUCK alone and left him a little advice (cuz I'm just such a generous fifth Hokage, giving my wisdom): Next time, don't screw up when it comes the the screwing. Oh, and even better. This one kid told me it was his birthday: HE JUST TURNED 5.8374201343 YEARS OLD. OH YIPEEE. And he invited me to all his other 365 birthdays this year. Sometimes burning paperwork gets me into a lot of "trouble". And no, I don't care when the they take away some of my pay. What I mean by "trouble" is having to listen to those human toads talk forever (seriously, when are they gonna die?) and most of all: HAVING MY SAKE TAKEN AWAY.

I should go back a little. Since this is all what happened AFTER when I figured out what the idiot did. I'll put it in an "organized list". Since that's what the geezers keep on harrassing me about, keeping logs of what I do. They say it'll help me be a better hokage, but I bet the just wanna stalk me like all those other pervs in the bars.

Tsunade's Schedule on Christmas Day:

11:00 am: Woke up (hey, I had a party last night. And you all know what parties mean...)

11:07 am: Got up. Only because Shizune made me, otherwise I woulda pretended to be asleep still.

11:08 am: Looked in drawer to find my stuff. As in "stuff that makes me un-naked for the day".

11:09 am: Found my bras. Actually, they weren't "bras" anymore. Know why? On each cup, there were EYES. Yes, EYES. And rosy cheeks, and oh, even better: A WHITE BEARD. Each and every DAMN one of them. Looking at me. Wanna guess what they were? Santa Claus. Uhh huh, wonderful. I'M "NOT HAPPY".

11:10 am: My bras (yes, every one of them. Naruto didn't miss any) sang to me. Yep (I'm not capitalizing cuz I'm trying to keep my temper here). They sang. "Santa Claus is Coming to Town", which happens to be my most HATED song ever. Seriously, I don't CARE if some fat man is coming. The only thing I'd really care about is if he TOUCHES MY DAMN CHIMNEY CUZ I DON'T WANT FAT PEOPLE GERMS ON MY HOUSE! Oh yeah, I forgot to mention. They say "ho ho ho" every 5 minutes. Naruto sure did a good job of super gluing sound chips onto my bras. I'M GONNA KILL HIM.

11:11 am: Knocked on wood. YEAH RIGHT. No I didn't, unless you counted throwing my whole dresser into my door. Hey, they're both wood, and they both "knocked" into each other. But that wasn't what I had in mind at the time. I was just "releasing stress".

Okay. Now we're going to skip some time cuz me having cereal drowned in sake is irrelevent to this. So on and so forth.

11:50 am: Went out to go to a clothing store. Needed new bras cuz I didn't want my boobs singing to me all day. And plus, the beard was itchy...

11:51 am: Discovered that the stores were all out of bras my size. Yes, I should've known. They never have bras my size cuz oh, I forgot: MY BOOBS ARE HUGE.

11:52 am: A kid pointed at me and noticed my "Santa Jugs". Was like "Look mommy, it's Santa Claus! two of them!" and ran up to me, sat right on me and talked to MY BOOBS. He spent a whole fucking hour telling my jugs what he wanted for Christmas, and oh, even better, he hugged them. And he told all his little friends too. So I spent four whole hours sitting there with brats talking to my jugs. Great. So now the kids in the village are gonna think Santa Claus's are on people's boobs.

Okay Naruto, are you happy? You've brought me Christmas spirit. Thanks to you, I have to live with these things "ho ho ho" ing to me every day and having kids writing lists of what they want for Christmas. FORGET IT. THESE BOOBS AREN'T GOIN' DOWN ANY CHIMNEYS OR GIVING ANY PRESENTS. AND I HATE CHRISTMAS, ESPECIALLY SANTA CLAUS.

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**A/N: Okay, I'm glad you guys are all adding these to your alerts and favorites, but seriously. REVIEW? COMMENT? LEAVE A MESSAGE!!! I don't want to write 13 chapters and not get a single comment. That's just pathetic.**

**Just to mention, I don't want anyone getting a bad idea about me. This is all a joke. I'm relatively a good kid (go ask my friends or my parents). And yes, I do listen to my parents about not doing drugs or alchohol. I'm not a fan of those who drink. All of this is all humor, not reality. **


	4. Chouji's Carol

**Chouji's Carol**

_"On the third day of Christmas,_

_an idiot pissed me off,_

_by giving me three explosive cookies"_

No. I am not okay. I'm covered in black ashes, my hair is sticking up all over the place (and no, there is a difference between "spiky" and "sticking up". Spiky is good. Sticking up is when something happens in your hair that's not good...like EXPLODING), and my stomach feels...queasy. Oh God, I think I'm gonna puke again. Wait a minute.

(Ten minutes later)

I'm done. Back to being angry.

NARUTO! WHAT DID YOU FRICKIN' DO TO THOSE COOKIES?!?!

That bastard, he knew I liked cookies (you see, notice the past tense here. I'll explain this in a moment.). I can't help it. How could you not want to take little things shaped in trees and angels and snowmen? I mean, they were sugar cookies. AND THEY HAD SPRINKLES ON THEM!!!!

SPRINKLES!!!!!

Do you know what sprinkles do to a guy like me? And no, "guy like me does not mean..._that word_" And say that word one time, and I'll seriously kill you. I am not (insert word here). I am "pleasantly plump". And eating is a hobby. Just like how you like to read pointless stuff online, I like to stuff pointless things in my mouth. And it's not even as bad as what you're doing right now. I mean, at least I'm not wasting time. I'm decreasing the amount of food wasted in this world. That's a good thing. And like all hobbies, I practice.

A lot.

Okay, all the time.

I like my hobby.

Anyway. Sprinkles are turn ons for me. No, not those kinds of turn ons. I'm talking about the one in my stomach. I mean, how could anyone not like sprinkles? They're colorful, small, and sprinkley (hence the word, sprinkles). And plus, they come in all seven colors of the rainbow. See? Lemme read off this box of them:

Red sprinkles contain carmine, 2G...

Hey, I haven't noticed this before. There's another sentence in really, really fine print!:

Warning: Carmine made of dried up, grounded beetles...

Oh CRAP.

(Ten minutes later)

I don't like sprinkles anymore.

But that's not the point. The point is that Naruto gave me these STUPID cookies. THEY BLEW UP ON ME.

I ATE THEM.

AND THEY BLEW UP ON ME.

Having things blowing up on you is not fun. It makes you go "boom" instead. And then when you look in the mirror, you look...not pleasant.

How did I manage to grab explosive cookies? Well, here's the funny part...heheh...they were supposed to be for Santa.

OKAY OKAY! I'M SORRY SANTA! I'M NOT A BAD BOY! THOSE COOKIES JUST LOOKED **SO GOOD**!!! PLEASE DON'T PUT COAL IN MY STOCKINGS! I STILL WANT MY 10ft x 15ft BOX OF CHOCOLATE! AND MY 100 BAGS OF CHIPS (barbeque please). AND MY 9 POUNDS OF FUDGE! AND, AND...

(Twenty minutes later)

So I'm sorry Santa. But you can't blame me, right? I mean, all the other kids in the world give you cookies and milk, so it's okay if you just missed three of them, right? It's not fair, you get so many cookies...I wanted some too...

But it was a good thing I ate them. Cuz Santa would of DIED. I swear! Naruto was planning to kill Santa Claus!!! He came over my place, left some cookies when he left and told me they were for me to give to Santa (he knows I can't cook). And I tried to go to sleep, but I kept on dreaming on those cookies...

THEY WERE HAUNTING ME. CALLING TO ME!!!

_CHOUJI! EAT ME! EAT ME!_

Wait a sec, the phone's ringing.

(Five minutes later)

DAMN YOU NARUTO! HOW DARE YOU TRICK ME LIKE THAT! SHIKAMARU ALREADY TOLD ME EVERYTHING! I KNOW IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT NOW! YOU KNEW I WOULOD EAT THOSE COOKIES! SO YOU PUT EXPLOSIVE TAGS INTO THEM!

NOW I'M SCARED OF COOKIES AND HAVE NIGHTMARES OF THEM TELLING ME TO EAT THEM!!! THEY WON'T LEAVE ME ALONE!

WHY DID YOU DO THIS! DAMN YOU!

AND WHY?

(sob)

WHY DOESN'T SANTA CLAUS EXIST!!!!????

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**A/N: Um, Okay, Really now. I need reviews...Now I'm getting depressed. Should I really continue?**


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